That’s When I Knew I Was Going to Hell

We have all done things we aren’t proud of in our lives. In the large scope of things, I know there are definitely people out there worse than me, but that doesn’t mean much. Whether or not you are banished to a fiery inferno doesn’t depend on how bad you are compared to others. It’s a sliding scale. You might not be as bad, but still bad enough. So, despite the fact that I’m an overall good person, there were a few instances that I believe solidified my place in Hell. 

1. The time I wrote on the wall and blamed it on my brother

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When I was in 2nd grade my brother was always mean to me (like brothers usually are). I knew I couldn’t fight him physically and win, so I had to use my smarts. In an attempt to get back at him for something, I took my sharpest Crayola crayon and wrote, “I hate Olivia -from Tom” on the wall in my room. The real sinister part is that I then continued on with my regular business (whatever business a 2nd grader has) and let my mother discover it on her own. She yelled at him for a good 10 minutes while he denied ever doing it (which only got him in more trouble). I think she even made him apologize to me. Pretty smart for a 2nd grader, right?

2. Every time I saw someone coming when I was in the elevator and let it close anyway

This is something I actively participate in. If you pretend to look at your phone you can act like you never saw them coming.

3.The time I barfed and didn’t tell anyone 

I wish I could say this only happened once. The first time I threw up and told no one was when I was at my aunt’s house. I was elementary age and I had gotten lice from other kids at school. My aunt decided to make me sleep with mayonnaise in my hair (which supposedly kills lice) with a shower cap over it. I woke up in the middle of the night and smelled old mayonnaise, which then caused me to promptly throw up in the middle of the bedroom. I then wiped my mouth, tucked myself back in bed, and went right to sleep. The next morning my aunt was asking who threw up and I just shrugged like I had never seen that mayonnaise-induced puke in my life.

The second time this happened was at my best friend’s house. I woke up in the middle of the night (this is a reoccurring theme) and suddenly felt sick. I threw up in the middle of her bedroom while she was sound asleep. The next morning she woke up and was complaining that her room smelled. It wasn’t until hours later that her mom realized there was a pile of puke underneath my blankets. A lovely child I was.

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Ironically, here is a picture of me and my barfing pumpkin in college.  A homage to my past I suppose.

4. The time I wore feathers in my hair

This is a fashion trend so egregious that it went on my permanent record. It might not seem Hell-worthy but it was a dark time in my life. I won’t even show you pictures. If you aren’t Steven Tyler, you have no business having feathers in your hair. I digress…

5. The time I Photoshopped my husband’s mustache

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My husband will testify that this belongs on the list. There have been many times he has donned facial hair that I wasn’t in agreement with. During a particularly terrible mustache phase, we took some pictures at a beautiful park on the beach. I loved these pictures but all I could see was the mustache. A few swift moves on Photoshop, and he was clean-shaven again. He still won’t forgive me. In fact, I think he has sported a mustache multiple times in protest. 

6. All the times I gave people decaf

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I worked at a coffee shop once. I don’t want to tell you what one, but it rhymes with Shmarbucks. Working in Orange County, many of my customers were wealthy and successful. While the majority of them were kind and gracious, somehow you always remember the terrible ones more. I often worked the morning shift (which starts at 4:30am) so I served people as they were on their way to work. When someone was particularly rude, I would “accidentally” make him or her a decaf coffee. Good luck waking up for your presentation today buddy.

7. The time I was plotting murder

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I spent 1st and 2nd grade digging a hole every recess with my best friend, Tiffany. It was a special spot under a tree, next to a fence. We took little sticks and dug to our heart’s content until it was time to go back in and play duck-duck-goose. Why were we digging a hole, you ask? So we could push in Taylor, the little girl in our class we didn’t like.

8. The times I got creative

As you are probably catching on, I was a disturbing little child. I wasn’t even good at hiding it. In fact, I often wrote about my dark thoughts. For example, in my 4th grade class we were supposed to write little books with illustrations to give to our parents. My friends wrote stories about princesses and magical lands. My story was called “Blood Steps to the Door” and it was a murder mystery. I sometimes wonder if my teacher called my parents to have a little discussion about that particular writing piece. However, it wouldn’t have shocked them because by then I had already been doing that stuff for years, as evident in my kindergarten weekend book where I said my favorite movie was “The Terminator.”

This behavior followed me into my adult life; I just express it differently now. My new outlet is SnapChat. If you aren’t familiar, it is an app where you can send pictures and draw on them. Some people use this for “sexting,” but for me it’s a creative outlet for my morbid sense of humor, as seen below:

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9. The time I ran over all the quails

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Via

This is the last one, but certainly not the least. This is when I really solidified my afterlife fate. I grew up living way out in the country. It took about 30 minutes to get to town from my house, and people who I considered my “neighbors” lived over a mile away. The roads around there are often unpaved, one-lane, and wind around the countryside. You might think that would cause someone to drive cautiously, but that was not the case. I would drive fast because 1) you rarely ever see another car 2) no one is ever in the street because no one lives near the street and 3) because I knew the road like the back of my hand. So I’m about 17 years old and I’m driving to school. I whip around a rather sharp curve and see a flock of birds ahead on the road. However, this was not uncommon. I was used to birds waiting until the last minute to fly away. What I didn’t know is that these birds would not fly away, because they were quails. Massacre. Not one quail made it out alive.

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The silver lining of it all is that my husband once told me I look like I have Down’s syndrome in all my baby pictures. Hell might suck, but at least I’ll have company.

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