The fact that I am reeeeally good at getting my picture taken. She’s beauty and she’s grace, she’s Miss United States.
Walking to get dinner with the husband and somehow the slightest dip in the concrete causes me to lose balance. I feel the weight of my body coming down onto my weak little ankle, so I sacrifice my body instead. One scuffed knee later, my ankle is intact but my dignity is not.
Watching a hair tumbleweed roll by in the bathroom. A western whistling sound plays somewhere in the distance. We have only lived here two weeks, how could I have possible lost that much hair??
Gathering up all my things as I get ready to walk across campus to my car. I have the coat, the coffee cup, my check, my books, my purse…. Alright ready to go. Only to realize the advil in my purse is making a distinct pill-clanking sound. It’s too late to change it now, too many things in my hands. Hi everyone, I’m the campus drug dealer.
Eating curry cauliflower with my invisalign trays in. They are now less invisible and more mustard-colored. Lesson learned.
Clapping along with Pharrell even though you have never felt like a room without a roof.
Walking into Trader Joes and feeling the eyes of an overly eager employee on me. I mean, this guy is not breaking eye contact. I avoid his stare. Right after I pass him I realize I forgot to grab a basket. Dang it. Walk back awkwardly…grab basket awkwardly…and look up to make more awkward eye contact. Yes, I am finding everything okay today.
Naked pregnancy pictures. Wearing a bikini while 9 months pregnant. Chris Hemsworth’s wife at the Oscars. Make it stop.
Coming home and curling up in a chair after a particularly long day at work. Then proceeding to fall asleep, sitting up, fully dressed. Only to wake myself up with my own snore. My husband thinks I’m hot.
Knocking on the neighbor’s door to offer her a table we were going to throw out. Only to realize we just woke her up as she opens the door in her underwear. It was 1:30pm. I start making really intense eye contact willing myself not to look at her crotch. She didn’t want the table.
I’m in Gap waiting for Brock to try on clothes and someone asks me if “we sell swimsuits here.” Erm… I don’t work here.
Single-handedly commandeering the men’s restroom at the Tim McGraw concert. Guys have it easy, they never have to wait. Until now. A random Texan woman grabbed my arm and pulled me in there to claim the stalls we believed we rightfully ours. Unfortunately there was only one stall open and she took it, so I had to stand there, in the men’s room, by myself. It only got more awkward when a confused man got behind me in line. So, how about that concert, huh?
Moving to a new place where we are on the ground floor instead of the top floor. So now people outside my windows are at eye level. Must. Remember. To. Wear. Pants.
I parallel park at least 3 days a week. You have to snag those spots quickly in California because people think their horns will stop working if they don’t use them 15 times a day. At least. Yet, the one time I have a car full of people all my parking practice goes out the window. Where is the curb? Am I close? Oh I’m still 5 feet away? Okay. RRRRRRGGGGHHHH. Ah, there’s the curb.
Having my husband tell me there is chocolate all over my face a solid hour after I have had any. Did I mention he thinks I’m hot?
Talking on the phone to people with heavy accents. I can only say, “I’m sorry, could you say once more?” so many times.
Walking out to my car after work, only to interrupt a couple practicing their ballroom dancing. They stop because they are embarrassed and wait for me to pass by. Then I have to awkwardly point, actually that’s my car you are blocking and I have to get in it and leave. They both seem mortified, and I somehow ended up being the third wheel in a parking garage. I had planned to send a couple emails out in my car but instead I high-tailed it outta there.
People saying, Happy Mothers Day to you when you have no kids. Thanks?
Having a motion-sensor light in our bathroom. It’s actually really cool because it turns on automatically when I stumble into the bathroom half asleep at 3am. However, it’s not cool when I am taking a bath and it turns itself off. Hello? Brock? …Anyone?