This is Not a Feel-Good Story


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I grew up in the church and I loved it. A lot of people love to express their hate for the church after years of elders making them sit in the pews and being force-fed scriptures, but this isn’t one of those stories.

I chose to go to church. My family was never particularly religious; my father doesn’t believe in anything in particular but has spoken a few times about reincarnation and things like that. I know he believes in something after death, but not in a God. My older brother is brilliant in math and science so he believes that our bodies will just be a pile of bones and our souls will cease to exist. And that will be that. My mother, on the other hand, believed in God. However, she struggled with her faith for many reasons. She was in and out of the church all the time.

I went to a summer camp when I was in 3rd grade. It was a Christian camp where we did all the normal outdoorsy fun things that come with traditional camp, but we also heard messages and sang worship songs. The pictures above are from that experience, and you can tell how much I enjoyed it. This was the first time I had ever really heard about God but it clicked for me. I believed whole-heartedly, and even at a young age I felt like there was a bigger presence in the world than just myself.

Middle school came and I was more involved in the church than ever. I was part of youth groups, I went to bible studies, and I even worked at the summer camp where I first learned about my faith. I felt so connected to God.

In high school some unfortunate things happened in my church. My pastor didn’t end up being the person we all thought he was. I decided to leave that church, but it was devastating for me because I had roots there. Even though that was a bad situation, I knew that people are flawed (even pastors) so my faith in God didn’t waiver. I felt like this was the biggest test in my faith so far and I had stayed strong. I didn’t know that there would be much greater tests to come.

Without delving into the long and complicated story of my past, essentially my mother was an alcoholic and my stepfather was abusive to me. I lived on my own with them from middle school until the end of high school. I silently endured things that no child should experience, all while keeping up a façade at school. Still, I believed in God. I believed He would be the one to dry my tears, right the wrongs, and save me from the storm.

Then came college. I had to completely break contact with my mother and stepdad for my mental well being. However, the drama continued to find its way into my life. My mother was in and out of the hospital every month. She was even in a weeklong coma at one point, all from her drinking.

This is the time I started to really examine my faith and what I truly believed. It seemed strange to me; So many people had told me that God answers the prayers of those He loves, but I wasn’t experiencing that. I had heard countless testimonies from Christians who talked about horrible life circumstances and how God had carried them through it. I can remember some of them so vividly; testimonies that talked about miracles happening. Why not me? Hearing these stores so many times made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Either God wasn’t real, or I was doing something wrong. I would cry out to Him and hear silence. I got to a point where those testimonies were not a beacon of hope for me. In fact, they started to make me angry. I thought about how I had prayed for my family life to improve for six years. Every single day. So how is it possible that all these people had their prayers answered, but not me?

Some people have miraculous stories about how just when they started thinking God wasn’t there, He suddenly came through and answered their prayers. This is not one of those stories either. Actually, this story is different than all the ones I ever heard growing up. While those testimonies are great in many ways, they often only show one side of faith. People want to hear the part when God saves the day, but they don’t want to hear stories without a happy ending. I had never heard anything like that either, despite spending most of my childhood in the church. But then I started reading the bible more. I began to explore the history of God, not based on stories I had heard in church, but based on actual scripture. What I found was quite interesting; there are so many instances in the bible where God asks His follower to endure horrific things; From Noah to Hezekiah to Joseph, and even Christ himself, it’s not always easy for those who love God. In many ways it is often harder for these people. I found new meaning in the verse, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” because I realized it doesn’t say “I can do all things and Christ will make it easy.” Maybe, like David in the bible, God is working in order to build me something greater in the future. Or maybe I will never see why bad things happened in my life. However, I still believe.

I believe in God and He hasn’t answered my prayer. I trust that He has a plan even though He hasn’t answered my prayer.

Maybe you never hear these testimonies in churches because it’s not a feel-good story. But you know what it is? It’s real.

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10 comments

  1. What a great post. What great realisation also. I always believe that God put us here for a reason, every person gets there own task, he throws curve balls in our way throughout to test our strengths but when we have proved ourselves and we have completed our task he takes us from this life as he needs us for a greater job in heaven. I went to church from being born until a few years ago, I still go Christmas and that but recently I’ve had this great urge to go back and hopefully I will find the strength to do so and not let life get in the way again.

    1. I never thought of it that way! I always thought that God was preparing me for something else in my life (He could be) but maybe you are right, that He has plans for me in heaven. That’s an uplifting thought 🙂 I recently started going to church and reading the bible consistently again. It can be hard to get started but within a week you feel a change in your heart and life. It’s so worth it and I encourage you to do it!

  2. Testimonies can be annoying because they tend to gloss over the suffering and emphasize the redemption, but then that’s kind of the point. A testimony is supposed to help us see the positive. When you hear the testimony of a person whose life was in shambles and they say God got them through it, the common thread is their choice to see it that way. For example, I was horribly abused as a child, I’m a recovering alcoholic and I’ve been on the verge of financial ruin more times than I can count. It would be very easy for me to feel like God hasn’t answered my prayers because things haven’t turned out the way I’d hoped or expected. Instead, I look for the tiny miracles and intricate beauty within the chaos because even in my darkest corners, I know God is shining a light. It may not be obvious or be the light I wanted to see, but it’s there if I acknowledge it. Another common thread you see in most testimonies is the concept of surrender, which is the ultimate understanding that we can pray for specific things all we want but we’ll end up with what we need. I don’t believe in happy endings because unless you die, your human story is ongoing. I think what you’ve written is real, honest and questioning. The fact that things haven’t turned out the way you’ve hoped but you still have faith is the best kind of testimony.

    1. I definitely agree with this! I wish i had heard a few more stories that detailed real hardship and struggle alongside a relationship with God though. As you said, people tend to gloss over that part, but it can help others to share it! I am still learning more and more to appreciate how God may not give me every want in my like but still always fulfills all my needs.

  3. One way or another, you’ve developed a great deal of strength. Otherwise, you could never have written this post, which is filled with calm and insight — without any attempt to cover up reality.

  4. Olive, this is a beautifully and thoughtfully written post… from the heart of a true believer.
    “I can do all things..” is one of my favourite verses.
    Another verse… that reminds us we’re not alone is Isaiah 26:3
    You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you.
    Stuff does happen in this life that we can’t explain. Thank you for sharing x

      1. Yes it surely is Olive 🙂
        So nice to find your blog and to make contact with a fellow believer.
        Blessings to you and Happy Easter!!

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